Believe in yourself

Last night my fiance told me that she loves listening to me play.  Her encouragement since I started the violin again has been amazing.  Recently, she also pointed out some things that I hadn't thought about.

In high school I quit orchestra my senior year.  My teacher was always trying to get me to practice pieces to play for competitions.  I always refused to do it.  I didn't think I was good enough.  I assumed she just wanted more students competing.  So, I quit.  I refused to play at all.  I hated her for years because of it.  I thought that I was an average to below average musician.  I felt like I was being set up for failure.  Plus, I never saw any point after high school where I would play professionally.  So, why bother trying...right?

Tiff pointed out that my teacher probably saw something in me.  She probably thought that I was a good musician and that I would be able to do well in those competitions.  That's something that I never considered in the past 2 decades.  I love to play, but always thought I was bad at it.

Now, I'm finding out that I have talent and am working towards playing professionally.  Tiff bought me lessons so I can do even better.  She believes in me and so does my new violin teacher.  They're both excited for me to busk and perhaps eventually play in an orchestra again.  If I sucked, neither of them would react to my playing the way they do.

All these years I doubted myself.  I refused to play when people could hear me because, although I enjoyed it, I thought I was horrible.  What could have been had I just believed in myself?  Where would I be now?  All this time I could've been playing in orchestras in every state I've lived in.  I could've been doing something that I love as a profession.

It's always been difficult for me to believe in myself.  Even with my artwork, which I've had in galleries.  I still doubt my talents.  My writing, my art, my music...they all mean the world to me.  I just wish I didn't doubt so much.  I wish I believed in myself more.

Well, I've decided that I'm going to move forward with the belief that I do have talent.  I enjoy playing and if I truly want to be a professional then I need to let go of that doubt that plagues my mind.  I CAN do this!  I know I can.

If only I could talk to my high school orchestra teacher and tell her I'm sorry for yelling at her and treating her horribly for pushing me.  I can't do that, but I can move on.  I can. 

Worried about nada

Today I've played the violin on and off all day.  I took breaks between songs.  I had been worried about nothing.  Even with the changes in notes, I did well.  Not perfectly, but that's what practicing is for.  I'm not a failure, I'm learning.  You can't fail if you continue to learn.  You can only move forward.

I really want to play the violin as a career.  I want to be a professional.  I want to do well.  Practice makes perfect.  I can get the notes right if I just practice.  

I'm sure that by February/March 2021 I'll be ready to street perform.  Eventually I'll feel comfortable enough to try out of the symphony as well.

Feeling like a failure

My violin lessons have been going really well.  Unfortunately, it's pointed out how much I was playing the violin WRONG!  Yes, I was basically playing properly.  But, my notes were off.  Some notes I was playing flat instead of neutral.  Others I was playing sharp when I shouldn't be.  So, I made notations in all of the songs I usually play only to find that now I'm fumbling over the notes and playing them all improperly.

I feel like a failure.  A fraud.

*sigh*  I need to get over myself.  I am a decent violin player.  I just need to get used to playing certain notes properly.  It's hard, but then again it's the violin.  It's not intended to be easy.  I picked this instrument in the 4th grade because I thought it would be challenging.  It is.  I just wish that my former teachers, way back when, had taught me not to make the mistakes I'm making now.

I need to tell myself the same thing I've told my children countless times: I'm not a failure, I just need practice.

A Proper Tune

When I had my violin lesson last Thursday, I found that I tend to play certain notes a little flat.  On a violin, you have to be very precise where you put your fingers on the fret.  A mm or two off and you're playing either too high (sharp) or too low (flat).  I thought I had been playing the right notes and was surprised to find that I've been wrong this whole time.

My teacher and I are going to meetup on Monday and she's going to put tape where the notes are so I can get used to playing them properly.  I'm excited!  I've used the tricks she gave me to make sure I'm playing the right notes.  But, the tape will be a great help.

Professional violinist musings

I've been doing research into playing professionally here in Arkansas.  There are symphonies and quartets I can eventually audition for (none of them are hiring while covid is still rampant).  The pay varies but it's more than enough to help make ends meet.

The only drawback is that I only have an electric violin.  I do have an acoustic but it is old and doesn't have a good sound.  So, I need to find a professional violin.  The ones I am looking at run between $1000 and $2000.  I so don't have that kind of money.  So, I'll have to seriously save up for it.  I figure maybe I can buy one in a year - 2 years.  By then, I should be more than ready to play professionally.

I'm thinking about starting busking with my electric violin in the Spring (2021) so long as covid has died down quite a bit.  If I can do that, then the amount that I make could be put into my pro violin bundle.

I just wish I could get started today.  But, aside from the pandemic, we're also having an extremely hot summer, which means I would melt and pass out while playing.  So, I doubt there will be many tourists on the streets.  That means very little money for a lot of effort. 

So, I'm going to continue practicing so I can have a nice sized repertoire before I begin.

Less binge watching, more productivity....

There are a lot of things that I could be doing throughout the day, yet never make time for.  Instead, I wind up on the computer, either binge watching shows or putzing around on facebook and twitter....usually both.  That has to change.

1. I need to get healthier.  The best way I know to do that is to eat healthy foods, drink plenty of water, and exercise.  So, I'm going to start doing yoga every morning.  I have the 108 day yoga DVDs which are about an hour long.  I'm also going to try letting go of unhealthy sugars (fruit OK, HFCS not OK)

2. After Yoga, take a shower, and then practice the violin.  I usually practice anywhere from 1 hr to 4 hrs.  I want to play professionally, so practicing more is definitely a good thing (so long as I don't overdo it).

3. Get back into art.  I haven't drawn or painted anything in years.  I'm dying to get back into it.  I figure set aside a few hours each day, after playing the violin.

4. Write more often.  Right now, I'm only writing about 2 days a week.  I used to write constantly.  I would like to put aside a few hours minimum to work on my next novel. 

In-between all of that, I plan to take breaks and hang with my kids or cook or clean or watch something on TV.  Whatever.  I might find it easier to work on art and writing on alternate days.  Perhaps let my passions dictate what I do.  Also, sewing when possible.  I need to find time for that, too.

It's hard being a creative type.  Most people don't do much that's creative and not on a regular basis, or so I've been told.  Me?  I'm always dreaming and wanting to create something, from music to art to clothes to stories.  I love doing all of it.

Learning new songs

Today I started playing Star Wars theme and the Imperial March.  I had started learning them in the past, but I hadn't worked on it seriously until today.  They weren't as hard as I thought they would be to learn.  There are some parts I stumble on, but hey it's the first day.

I also played some of my Les Mis songs and for the first time I played them perfectly.

I'm starting to feel more confident while playing.  On Thursday I will be starting music lessons so I can become a better musician.  The first songs we're going to work on are the Star Wars songs I learned today.  I didn't want to wait until the lesson to start working on them.  I also sent her three of the gypsy songs I want to learn but don't know how to hit some of the notes in the sheet music.  Those are going to be a real challenge. 

I can't wait!

I've been writing again, and fitting in playing the violin when I can.  It feels good.  Though, my family doesn't seem to understand the concept of' leave me alone while I write'.  I kept losing my train of thought.  But, such is a bane of being a writer.  Anything can make you lose that awesome sentence you were about to put on the screen.

I hadn't played the violin in days before today.  I was messing up a lot.  I think it's because I was thinking too much.  I've found that when it came to playing, I need to just focus on the music.  Let my mind go blank and just play the notes as I see them, without thinking.  It's not easy.  I daydream constantly and sometimes a daydream will try to sneak in there.  Then I skip a note and force the daydream off to the side.

I think tomorrow I'll play in the morning, and write in the afternoon.  This way I have plenty of time to give my daydreams my full attention while I write them down.  It's how I write my books, afterall.  My notes on my wall are mostly what has already happened and the characters.  The rest, it comes from my mind.

Picture of Inari in my case

My daughter's cat, Inari, fell asleep in my case while I was practicing, yesterday.  She was so cute, that I left her there after I was done.

Still obsessing and wondering

I can't help it.  I want to busk but the pandemic has me staying at home instead.  A lot of buskers are doing so online, with a patreon or paypal account for making money.  My problem is that I don't  have followers and I don't know how to get people to find me and pay for my videos.  It just doesn't seem viable.

Downtown Little Rock is open, and people are out and about. I figure that if I wear a mask, a good one, and use hand sanitizer when I touch money, then I should be mostly OK.  But, I'm terrified of catching the virus.  Not so much for myself, but for my wife who has diabetes (one of the conditions that makes the virus worse).

We're not in desperate need of money, but I'm tired of our finances being tight and not having anything the last week of the month.  I would like to contribute more.  I would like to perform in front of people, not in front of a camera.

It feels selfish and I keep going over and over in my head on how this might work.  I could probably do well online if I had a larger repertoire.  But, there are only so many songs I know.  Enough for 3 or 4 videos at most.  What do I do after that?  I'm always learning new songs, but not enough to be able to regularly put out new videos.

I might have to wait a year for things to die down.  It seems like the most logical choice.  I can do that, I think.  But, I'm also going to try to learn more songs so I can play them online...maybe in a few months I'll be ready.  I hope.  I really hope.