Believe in yourself

Last night my fiance told me that she loves listening to me play.  Her encouragement since I started the violin again has been amazing.  Recently, she also pointed out some things that I hadn't thought about.

In high school I quit orchestra my senior year.  My teacher was always trying to get me to practice pieces to play for competitions.  I always refused to do it.  I didn't think I was good enough.  I assumed she just wanted more students competing.  So, I quit.  I refused to play at all.  I hated her for years because of it.  I thought that I was an average to below average musician.  I felt like I was being set up for failure.  Plus, I never saw any point after high school where I would play professionally.  So, why bother trying...right?

Tiff pointed out that my teacher probably saw something in me.  She probably thought that I was a good musician and that I would be able to do well in those competitions.  That's something that I never considered in the past 2 decades.  I love to play, but always thought I was bad at it.

Now, I'm finding out that I have talent and am working towards playing professionally.  Tiff bought me lessons so I can do even better.  She believes in me and so does my new violin teacher.  They're both excited for me to busk and perhaps eventually play in an orchestra again.  If I sucked, neither of them would react to my playing the way they do.

All these years I doubted myself.  I refused to play when people could hear me because, although I enjoyed it, I thought I was horrible.  What could have been had I just believed in myself?  Where would I be now?  All this time I could've been playing in orchestras in every state I've lived in.  I could've been doing something that I love as a profession.

It's always been difficult for me to believe in myself.  Even with my artwork, which I've had in galleries.  I still doubt my talents.  My writing, my art, my music...they all mean the world to me.  I just wish I didn't doubt so much.  I wish I believed in myself more.

Well, I've decided that I'm going to move forward with the belief that I do have talent.  I enjoy playing and if I truly want to be a professional then I need to let go of that doubt that plagues my mind.  I CAN do this!  I know I can.

If only I could talk to my high school orchestra teacher and tell her I'm sorry for yelling at her and treating her horribly for pushing me.  I can't do that, but I can move on.  I can. 

Worried about nada

Today I've played the violin on and off all day.  I took breaks between songs.  I had been worried about nothing.  Even with the changes in notes, I did well.  Not perfectly, but that's what practicing is for.  I'm not a failure, I'm learning.  You can't fail if you continue to learn.  You can only move forward.

I really want to play the violin as a career.  I want to be a professional.  I want to do well.  Practice makes perfect.  I can get the notes right if I just practice.  

I'm sure that by February/March 2021 I'll be ready to street perform.  Eventually I'll feel comfortable enough to try out of the symphony as well.

Professional violinist musings

I've been doing research into playing professionally here in Arkansas.  There are symphonies and quartets I can eventually audition for (none of them are hiring while covid is still rampant).  The pay varies but it's more than enough to help make ends meet.

The only drawback is that I only have an electric violin.  I do have an acoustic but it is old and doesn't have a good sound.  So, I need to find a professional violin.  The ones I am looking at run between $1000 and $2000.  I so don't have that kind of money.  So, I'll have to seriously save up for it.  I figure maybe I can buy one in a year - 2 years.  By then, I should be more than ready to play professionally.

I'm thinking about starting busking with my electric violin in the Spring (2021) so long as covid has died down quite a bit.  If I can do that, then the amount that I make could be put into my pro violin bundle.

I just wish I could get started today.  But, aside from the pandemic, we're also having an extremely hot summer, which means I would melt and pass out while playing.  So, I doubt there will be many tourists on the streets.  That means very little money for a lot of effort. 

So, I'm going to continue practicing so I can have a nice sized repertoire before I begin.