Believe in yourself

Last night my fiance told me that she loves listening to me play.  Her encouragement since I started the violin again has been amazing.  Recently, she also pointed out some things that I hadn't thought about.

In high school I quit orchestra my senior year.  My teacher was always trying to get me to practice pieces to play for competitions.  I always refused to do it.  I didn't think I was good enough.  I assumed she just wanted more students competing.  So, I quit.  I refused to play at all.  I hated her for years because of it.  I thought that I was an average to below average musician.  I felt like I was being set up for failure.  Plus, I never saw any point after high school where I would play professionally.  So, why bother trying...right?

Tiff pointed out that my teacher probably saw something in me.  She probably thought that I was a good musician and that I would be able to do well in those competitions.  That's something that I never considered in the past 2 decades.  I love to play, but always thought I was bad at it.

Now, I'm finding out that I have talent and am working towards playing professionally.  Tiff bought me lessons so I can do even better.  She believes in me and so does my new violin teacher.  They're both excited for me to busk and perhaps eventually play in an orchestra again.  If I sucked, neither of them would react to my playing the way they do.

All these years I doubted myself.  I refused to play when people could hear me because, although I enjoyed it, I thought I was horrible.  What could have been had I just believed in myself?  Where would I be now?  All this time I could've been playing in orchestras in every state I've lived in.  I could've been doing something that I love as a profession.

It's always been difficult for me to believe in myself.  Even with my artwork, which I've had in galleries.  I still doubt my talents.  My writing, my art, my music...they all mean the world to me.  I just wish I didn't doubt so much.  I wish I believed in myself more.

Well, I've decided that I'm going to move forward with the belief that I do have talent.  I enjoy playing and if I truly want to be a professional then I need to let go of that doubt that plagues my mind.  I CAN do this!  I know I can.

If only I could talk to my high school orchestra teacher and tell her I'm sorry for yelling at her and treating her horribly for pushing me.  I can't do that, but I can move on.  I can. 

Worried about nada

Today I've played the violin on and off all day.  I took breaks between songs.  I had been worried about nothing.  Even with the changes in notes, I did well.  Not perfectly, but that's what practicing is for.  I'm not a failure, I'm learning.  You can't fail if you continue to learn.  You can only move forward.

I really want to play the violin as a career.  I want to be a professional.  I want to do well.  Practice makes perfect.  I can get the notes right if I just practice.  

I'm sure that by February/March 2021 I'll be ready to street perform.  Eventually I'll feel comfortable enough to try out of the symphony as well.

Feeling like a failure

My violin lessons have been going really well.  Unfortunately, it's pointed out how much I was playing the violin WRONG!  Yes, I was basically playing properly.  But, my notes were off.  Some notes I was playing flat instead of neutral.  Others I was playing sharp when I shouldn't be.  So, I made notations in all of the songs I usually play only to find that now I'm fumbling over the notes and playing them all improperly.

I feel like a failure.  A fraud.

*sigh*  I need to get over myself.  I am a decent violin player.  I just need to get used to playing certain notes properly.  It's hard, but then again it's the violin.  It's not intended to be easy.  I picked this instrument in the 4th grade because I thought it would be challenging.  It is.  I just wish that my former teachers, way back when, had taught me not to make the mistakes I'm making now.

I need to tell myself the same thing I've told my children countless times: I'm not a failure, I just need practice.

A Proper Tune

When I had my violin lesson last Thursday, I found that I tend to play certain notes a little flat.  On a violin, you have to be very precise where you put your fingers on the fret.  A mm or two off and you're playing either too high (sharp) or too low (flat).  I thought I had been playing the right notes and was surprised to find that I've been wrong this whole time.

My teacher and I are going to meetup on Monday and she's going to put tape where the notes are so I can get used to playing them properly.  I'm excited!  I've used the tricks she gave me to make sure I'm playing the right notes.  But, the tape will be a great help.

Professional violinist musings

I've been doing research into playing professionally here in Arkansas.  There are symphonies and quartets I can eventually audition for (none of them are hiring while covid is still rampant).  The pay varies but it's more than enough to help make ends meet.

The only drawback is that I only have an electric violin.  I do have an acoustic but it is old and doesn't have a good sound.  So, I need to find a professional violin.  The ones I am looking at run between $1000 and $2000.  I so don't have that kind of money.  So, I'll have to seriously save up for it.  I figure maybe I can buy one in a year - 2 years.  By then, I should be more than ready to play professionally.

I'm thinking about starting busking with my electric violin in the Spring (2021) so long as covid has died down quite a bit.  If I can do that, then the amount that I make could be put into my pro violin bundle.

I just wish I could get started today.  But, aside from the pandemic, we're also having an extremely hot summer, which means I would melt and pass out while playing.  So, I doubt there will be many tourists on the streets.  That means very little money for a lot of effort. 

So, I'm going to continue practicing so I can have a nice sized repertoire before I begin.

Less binge watching, more productivity....

There are a lot of things that I could be doing throughout the day, yet never make time for.  Instead, I wind up on the computer, either binge watching shows or putzing around on facebook and twitter....usually both.  That has to change.

1. I need to get healthier.  The best way I know to do that is to eat healthy foods, drink plenty of water, and exercise.  So, I'm going to start doing yoga every morning.  I have the 108 day yoga DVDs which are about an hour long.  I'm also going to try letting go of unhealthy sugars (fruit OK, HFCS not OK)

2. After Yoga, take a shower, and then practice the violin.  I usually practice anywhere from 1 hr to 4 hrs.  I want to play professionally, so practicing more is definitely a good thing (so long as I don't overdo it).

3. Get back into art.  I haven't drawn or painted anything in years.  I'm dying to get back into it.  I figure set aside a few hours each day, after playing the violin.

4. Write more often.  Right now, I'm only writing about 2 days a week.  I used to write constantly.  I would like to put aside a few hours minimum to work on my next novel. 

In-between all of that, I plan to take breaks and hang with my kids or cook or clean or watch something on TV.  Whatever.  I might find it easier to work on art and writing on alternate days.  Perhaps let my passions dictate what I do.  Also, sewing when possible.  I need to find time for that, too.

It's hard being a creative type.  Most people don't do much that's creative and not on a regular basis, or so I've been told.  Me?  I'm always dreaming and wanting to create something, from music to art to clothes to stories.  I love doing all of it.

Learning new songs

Today I started playing Star Wars theme and the Imperial March.  I had started learning them in the past, but I hadn't worked on it seriously until today.  They weren't as hard as I thought they would be to learn.  There are some parts I stumble on, but hey it's the first day.

I also played some of my Les Mis songs and for the first time I played them perfectly.

I'm starting to feel more confident while playing.  On Thursday I will be starting music lessons so I can become a better musician.  The first songs we're going to work on are the Star Wars songs I learned today.  I didn't want to wait until the lesson to start working on them.  I also sent her three of the gypsy songs I want to learn but don't know how to hit some of the notes in the sheet music.  Those are going to be a real challenge. 

I can't wait!

I've been writing again, and fitting in playing the violin when I can.  It feels good.  Though, my family doesn't seem to understand the concept of' leave me alone while I write'.  I kept losing my train of thought.  But, such is a bane of being a writer.  Anything can make you lose that awesome sentence you were about to put on the screen.

I hadn't played the violin in days before today.  I was messing up a lot.  I think it's because I was thinking too much.  I've found that when it came to playing, I need to just focus on the music.  Let my mind go blank and just play the notes as I see them, without thinking.  It's not easy.  I daydream constantly and sometimes a daydream will try to sneak in there.  Then I skip a note and force the daydream off to the side.

I think tomorrow I'll play in the morning, and write in the afternoon.  This way I have plenty of time to give my daydreams my full attention while I write them down.  It's how I write my books, afterall.  My notes on my wall are mostly what has already happened and the characters.  The rest, it comes from my mind.

Picture of Inari in my case

My daughter's cat, Inari, fell asleep in my case while I was practicing, yesterday.  She was so cute, that I left her there after I was done.

Still obsessing and wondering

I can't help it.  I want to busk but the pandemic has me staying at home instead.  A lot of buskers are doing so online, with a patreon or paypal account for making money.  My problem is that I don't  have followers and I don't know how to get people to find me and pay for my videos.  It just doesn't seem viable.

Downtown Little Rock is open, and people are out and about. I figure that if I wear a mask, a good one, and use hand sanitizer when I touch money, then I should be mostly OK.  But, I'm terrified of catching the virus.  Not so much for myself, but for my wife who has diabetes (one of the conditions that makes the virus worse).

We're not in desperate need of money, but I'm tired of our finances being tight and not having anything the last week of the month.  I would like to contribute more.  I would like to perform in front of people, not in front of a camera.

It feels selfish and I keep going over and over in my head on how this might work.  I could probably do well online if I had a larger repertoire.  But, there are only so many songs I know.  Enough for 3 or 4 videos at most.  What do I do after that?  I'm always learning new songs, but not enough to be able to regularly put out new videos.

I might have to wait a year for things to die down.  It seems like the most logical choice.  I can do that, I think.  But, I'm also going to try to learn more songs so I can play them online...maybe in a few months I'll be ready.  I hope.  I really hope.

Covid 19 and Busking

In Arkansas, the number of covid infections and deaths have been very low.  But, if you look at how many are infected on a chart, the numbers are rising still.  This means that I won't be busking just yet.  I want to, I feel ready for it, but I don't want to get sick.  My immune system and lungs aren't the best.  I would most likely get it really bad if I were to catch the virus.

I've made the decision to hold off on busking this year.  Maybe next February, I'll start.  So long as things calm down, that is.  Who knows what the future may hold.

So, while I'm waiting, I'm going to teach myself some Gypsy music.  It's hard to play and very advanced, but with time I'm sure I'll get it.  If not, I always have the songs I know to fall back on.  I'm sure that Gypsy music will have better results than the simpler songs that I've played.  I might not learn a lot of them in one year.  But, whatever I do learn will be awesome.

Here's to hoping!

Colors of the Wind

I'm teaching myself a new song.  Colors of the Wind from the movie Pocahontas. It was my favorite song for so long.  So beautiful.  I'm going to enjoy this.  :D

Learning a new song is always a little scary at first.  But, after a few days it gets easier and easier.

UPDATE:

Colors of the Wind is easier than I thought.  Shouldn't take long to master it.  So, I moved onto the Star Wars Theme.  Harder than Colors, but still fun.  It'll take a little longer to master that one.  After that?  Imperial March.

Busking Anxiety

In a little over two weeks I plan to get my busking license so I can perform in downtown Little Rock.  There's only one other street performer down there, that I know of.  He does an impersonation of Michael Jackson.  So, I have my pick of spots.  I plan to busk outside the River Market.

Here's the problem...

1. I have Agoraphobia.  In my case, it's being in a crowd that really sets it off.  I have trouble shopping sometimes because of it.  I constantly fight the fear, reminding myself that it's not logical.  I plan to take an anti-anxiety med that I'm on to help with this.

2. I haven't performed since High School, and at that time I was a part of the school's orchestra.  I've never performed where it was just me.

3. I am a perfectionist and I'm worried that I'm going to trip over my fingers and play horribly.  I sound good at home, but in front of strangers, I don't know how I'll sound.

4. While I haven't felt stage fright before, I worry that I'm going to choke and not be able to play at all.  It's a useless worry, I know, because I just might surprise myself.


So, there are a few things that I'm thinking.  One, I play best when I ignore my surroundings and don't think about playing or performing.  I just focus on the music.  That's when I play best...when it's just the music and me.  I'm not sure how I'll do that with an audience within a few feet of me, but I'm going to try.

If I don't do this, I'll regret it.  I'll always wonder what could have been.  I know this because it's something I've felt in regards to other things I've chickened out on.  I'm the type of person to obsess over the little things.  I'm working on that.

If I were to listen to my friends and my partner, and keep their encouragement at the back of my mind, that might help.  They say that I'm talented enough and that they feel I'll do great. Why can't I get that worry to disappear? 

I'm sure I'll do OK.  I just need to get over myself. lol

My Cats Love My Studio's Energy

This is Kitty.  She and 2 of my other cats love my studio.  They love rubbing on my violin case (as you see here), they love being in here when I play, they love to sit under my easel, and they love chilling with me.  Only Faeryn, who never leaves my daughter's room, doesn't come in.  And the dogs aren't allowed in this part of the house, but they love on me whenever I go near them, especially if I've been doing something creative.

As a Pagan and Witch, I understand how energy flows.  My girlfriend, Tiffany, told me that when I play music, draw, paint, etc, I tend to give off good energy that the cats can sense.  She believes that's why they love my studio so much.  I use it for all of that, and writing and sewing.  (those bins in the background are full of material)  Animals tend to love creative energies.

Once when I was playing my guitar, one of the cats (can't remember which one) jumped right into the case and lay down.  Too cute!

Keep your mind out of the world

I've noticed something over the years, and it's been pointed out to me as well...

I play best when I'm not thinking.  Just look at the notes and transfer them to the violin.  When my mind is on nothing I play far better.  If I start thinking or my mind wanders, I make far too many mistakes.

Keeping my mind blank isn't as easy as it sounds. I'm a writer as well as an artist and violinist.  Like most authors, I daydream a lot.  It's something I've done ever since I was a child.  Sometimes I daydream stories or scenes for my novels.  Most of what I daydream never gets put onto paper.  Yet, I daydream almost every second of every day (unless I'm driving...I try not to dream while doing that).

So, making my mind go blank isn't as easy for me as it would be for some people.  Still, I try.  One day maybe I'll be able to play more than one piece before my mind goes for a stroll. lol One day I'll be able to hyperfocus on my music.  I already do it when I draw/paint.  The world disappears around me and all that exists is what I'm working on.  With writing, it's kinda the same thing for most of my novels.  At those times I mostly daydream when I get stuck.  The rest of the time the words just flow out of my fingertips and onto the screen with little thought.  Making it sound good happens in the editing.

With music it's different and I don't know why.  Sometimes, I'll daydream about what it'll be like to perform on the sidewalk.  At other times, I'll daydream about getting a teacher to help me learn better.  When this happens I start fumbling and missing notes.  But, if I clear my mind of such distractions, I play well.  Not perfectly, and that's why I practice. lol

I need to get out of my head.  Keep my mind away from the world and my thoughts and just be one with the music I'm playing.  It's not easy.  I imagine it will be easier with practice.  Afterall, I just played two songs before my mind began to wander.  That's an improvement that will only get better with time.

All I have to do is live in the moment.

Insomnia Strikes!!! Oh the Inhumanity!

Last night I had really bad insomnia.  Not even my medication could put me to sleep.  Sometimes that happens.  No matter what I do, I can't fall asleep.

I quit trying at around 3:30 am.  I was so bored that I actually looked up some of the gov't regulations that have changed.  That made me mad.  And, yes, I was looking at government websites, not just articles through facebook or other social media.  But, that's not what this post is about.

Usually when I'm upset, I'll draw or play music.  This morning I just went on Facebook and Netflix at the same time.  I really wanted to play the violin, but my children's bedrooms are right next to my studio/office/woman cave.  If I played music I would've woken them up.  If I went to the other side of the house, I would've woken up my girlfriend.  I could've drawn.  But, I wasn't in the mood.  I've learned that if I try to draw or paint while not in the mood to do so, it comes out like crap.  Every. Single. Time. 

Then, about 5 minutes ago, I realized that I could've played my electric violin without the amp.  The sound isn't as good, but it's also quieter than a traditional violin.  If I had played, I wouldn't have felt like I wasted most of the past 2 1/2 hrs.  I have a busy day today, but I'm sure I'll find a way to play at some point.  The next song I'm teaching myself is the theme for Star Wars.  It's probably best if I play it at a normal volume so I hear the notes properly.  That means a lot when you're just learning a new song.

Well, I guess I'll go back to Netflix and binge watch some shows for the next hour and then maybe clean the laundry room.  lol

New songs

I have approx 4 hours worth of songs I would like to play when I busk.  Some buskers suggest that you have about 6 songs that you play over and over.  But, I like variety and I don't want to bore anyone.  I have 9 songs in my repertoire that sound good when I play.  The rest...well I'm still learning them.

Here's the thing...I just counted all of the songs I wanted to play and there are around 35.  I think I'm going to just learn 6 more for busking.  Once I have those 15 down, then maybe learn one more at a time. 

Here's what I know so far:

Love Me Tender
(Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay
Beauty and The Beast theme song
Be Our Guest (also from Beauty and The Beast)
My Heart Will Go On (Love Theme from Titanic)
Every Breath You Take
Chim Chim Cher-ee from Mary Poppins
Somewhere Out There from An American Tail
House of the Rising Sun

I also know some songs from Les Miserables (my favorite musical).  I would add those and call it done, but I can't find my Les Mis book (may have to buy a new one).  I also want to add Star Wars theme and the Imperial March (I know, I'm a geek).  I haven't learned those two yet, but I'm confident that I can.

If I add the songs I know from Les Miserables, That'll add about 6 songs. I've played them a lot over the years.  More than I have any other music.  So, maybe that'll help fill in the gap.

I'm having trouble with some of the rock and Disney songs that I've played.  Not the ones listed above, but those that are still new for me.  Two songs from the Lion King just don't sound right to me.  It's like I'm playing harmony and not melody, which means that most people won't know what I'm playing.

IDK...I'm sure I'll figure it out.

Challenging myself with the violin

It's been 4 years since I've written on here.  Much has happened.  Too much for a blog post.

Lately I've been practicing the violin so when this pandemic is over I can start to busk.  For those who don't know, busker is another word for street performer.  Most of the music I've been playing recently are rock, Disney, and musical scores.  However, I would love to play gypsy music at some point. It's fast and fun and complicated. Perfect for busking but it's so hard.  The hardest part is the speed of the notes and the fact that sometimes there are 2-3 notes played at the same time.  Not to mention using parts of the fret that I haven't played before.

So, I'm using the songs I've already picked out for busking (mostly rock and Disney) as a warm-up.  After I've played those for an hour or two, I work on the gypsy music.  Yesterday was the first time I played a little of one of the gypsy songs.  It's slow going, but also fun to challenge myself.

It might take years for me to learn to play those songs, but that's the fun part.  Learning the notes and how to execute them properly is hard.  But, knowing that I am getting better and recognizing my progress makes learning them worth it.